


This Goodbye Was Never Going To Be Easy

by Auxii



Category: Flintlocks & Fireballs (Podcast)
Genre: Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24074827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Auxii/pseuds/Auxii
Summary: Celestia can't sleep.(I am so so sorry)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	This Goodbye Was Never Going To Be Easy

Sleep doesn’t come easily these days and trancing always seems to slip from her grasp. Instead images flash behind her eyelids. Lia’s smile to Michael. The way their hands fit together. Pure happiness in her eyes as she looks at him. The moment’s hesitation after “darling” before her eyes slid off Celestia and to Michael. Her smile. Always her smile, brighter than Celestia had ever seen it. 

A deep breath in. Hold it. Out. Repeat. Her chest hurts as if someone has caved it in. Breathing hurts, no matter how hard she tries to let the pain go with every exhale. She can hear her heartbeat in her ears, through her skull, every thump resounding in her bones, making them ache. Everything hurts. No amount of healing magic will stop the agony of heartbreak and there’s a craving for what she’s only just managed to rid herself of. 

Celestia opens her eyes, glancing around the plush room in Michael’s mansion. Scamp is asleep, Jeffry curled up in their arms, Margery perched on the headboard, cooing softly as she sleeps. Celestia watches them for what feels like an age, time stretching in the darkness and the pain in her body, making sure they’re asleep. No alarm was set tonight, Marissa long gone from the grounds. She slides out of bed and heads for the door, telling herself she’s just going for a walk. 

The mansion is dark in the dead of night, and it’s easy enough to make her way outside without encountering anyone. She doesn’t know if that’s a relief or not. Maybe talking to someone would take her mind off of seeing the woman she loves happy with someone else. Maybe it would make everything worse. She can’t tell what she wants. Outside, the moon is slim, making her grateful for her darkvision. Her heartbeat still echoes in her ears. She takes out her pipe and fills it with tobacco, lights it. Feels her heart slow a little. It doesn’t take the burning edge off of the pain. She wishes there was something stronger in her pipe. Shame floods her for a second before being drowned by the agony.

Celestia doesn’t have a direction she’s particularly moving in as she wanders across the fields. All she wants is for the images to leave her head. No matter what she tries to fill it with instead, they always seem to return. Lia’s smile. Michael. Lia’s smile. Michael, too good for anyone to hate. Lia’s smile. Slave freeing Michael, so much safer for Lia than her.  _ Lia’s smile _ .

It takes a while for her to realise she’s heading towards a sliver of light near the path leading to the estate where the people guarding Michael’s lands seem to be having a short break. She doesn’t still her feet. Can’t seem to remember how. They straighten as they see her approach, fear flickering in their eyes before settling. She remembers telling the others she wouldn’t wander the estate talking to people. It’s hard to care right now. One of them has a pipe in her hands. There’s a sweet, cloying smell to the air. Her body remembers the relief.

“Can we help you, ma’am?” It’s an orcish man who draws her attention away from the pipe, green-grey skin, steely grey eyes not boring into hers but half-way to the floor. She licks her lips.

“No, sorry, I was just going for a walk.” The words taste like chalk in her mouth, her voice raw, the pain leaking through despite herself. Her gaze returns to the pipe. Memories of the agony in her chest fading to a dull ache fill her mind. She shakes her head slightly. “I’ll leave you be.” She turns, starts away.

There are soft murmurs from the group behind her. She keeps walking, slowly, as if the sweet smell wrapping around her body is pulling her back. If she could just run, maybe the temptation would go, but her feet won’t move any faster.

“Wait!” The woman with the pipe jogs over to her, expression slightly guarded, but not fearful. Despite herself, Celestia stops. “You… Yenna said you’re a good sort. Stopped Marissa from binding us up again. Thank you.” The woman’s green eyes are searching Celestia’s features, combing them for something. A small frown creases her brow as she seems to find what she’s looking for. “Pain got you awake?”

A bitter laugh spills from her lips. The woman’s voice is  _ kind _ , and she doesn’t deserve such kindness. She wants to cry, but shoves the feeling down. Lia’s smile flashes in her mind again, exquisitely beautiful, no hesitation behind it. “You could say that.”

The woman with the pipe holds it out. Scars cover her arms, evidence of a storied past filled with pain. “I was in the war.” She doesn’t say which one. There are too many to count now. “They gave us this to help.”

No words come out his time. Relief. All she wants is relief. For the agony to pause for just  _ one godsdammed minute _ . But she can't. She has to live with this. She had promised Corzin and Scamp she wouldn’t. Scamp would blame themself for not waking up if they found out. She couldn’t do that to them again. She wouldn’t. She shakes her head. 

“If you’re sure.” 

_ She isn’t. _ All she’s sure of is that this heartbreak is consuming her, eating her from the inside out and leaving her hollow. Lia  _ deserves  _ to be happy, and her happiness isn’t Celestia, and that is the core of everything. Lia is truly happy with Michael,  _ not her.  _ Her heartbeat thunders.  _ Everything hurts. _

She holds out her hand, watches it tremble. “ _ Please. _ ”

The orcish woman passes her the pipe without another word. Her hands are shaking so much she can barely keep the small flame in her hand under the bowl. The moment before she breathes in stretches. The hurt in Scamp’s voice when she lashed out during withdrawal fills her ears. Corzin’s disapproval. Shame flushes her hot. Michael, lovely Michael. Their hands clasped together.  _ Lia’s smile. _ She sucks in smoke. Lets it curl from her lips and wisp into the air. 

_ Relief. _ The agony in her chest seems to follow the smoke, unfurling until she can breathe steadily. Her heartbeat quiets. Michael’s face fades. Their hands fade. Lia’s face fades. Celestia’s mind is blissfully silent. Her hands still. She breathes in again. Exhales. The echo of shame fades. Corzin fades. Scamp fades. Lethargy finally drags at her limbs.

There’s nothing much afterwards. She returns the pipe. Learns the woman’s name is Inge. It’s hard to keep her eyes open now the pain is gone. She blinks and her feet are taking her back to the mansion. Her fingers click and the faint, sweet smell clinging to her clothes dissipates. The bedroom door closes behind her. There’s a soft murmur from Scamp but they don’t seem to wake. And then there’s sleep. Finally.


End file.
